Valentine’s Day can be lonely for single people. I know, I have been single since 1998. It seems every place I turn; I’m reminded that I have no one special in my life. Radio ads, TV ads, billboards, newspapers, and magazines each telling me I’m alone and somehow that’s bad. Would I like a special man in my life? Of course, but so far it hasn’t happened. Although I have developed a rather unique reputation. An associate of mine introduced me saying, “This is the gal I was telling you about. She has the worse dating stories of anyone I’ve ever met.” (See previous blog entry for details.) Not exactly the introduction I want.
So here I sit on February 14, writing this blog instead of snuggling with a man. This is where I have to choose not to allow negative thoughts and ideas to make me blue. When I was married, I used to hate Valentine’s Day. Holidays and vacations were the worse days of the year for me. I bring this up because so often we idealize everyone else’s lives. We assume every couple is having a greeting card moment when many of them aren’t. Just because we don’t see it, doesn’t mean everyone else is celebrating.
I wish I could tell you being single never gets be down, but it does. I struggle in this area. Today, I made the choice to focus on how much better being single is than being unhappily married. Yes, I’m home alone, but I’m here watching the Olympics and eating from a box of chocolates. Just because they are heart shaped, doesn’t mean I can’t buy them for myself. I can honestly say I haven’t had a bad day because I chose not to wallow in self pity and instead remembered how happy and blessed I am. I really do have a great life filled with plenty of people who love and care about me. If all the hype about Heart Day is breaking your heart, just think how many people all over the world would gladly trade places with you.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Scarlet NoHaira
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I’m reflecting on my dating successes or lack thereof. I’m quoting a segment from chapter 9 of my book Operation Attitude. I received my final divorce decree while I was battling breast cancer and bald. Probably not the best way to start, but I thought I’d try. I asked friends if they knew any men who wanted to date a bald chick. Sadly, I found no single men with a bald fetish. So poor little Scarlet NoHaira was forced to wait to reenter the dating scene. When I finished treatment and had grown a respectable amount of hair, I began dating. I think I’d rather face chemotherapy again.
I originally thought I would not encumber my dating experience by setting unrealistic standards. I would give everyone a chance. Shortly after, I got to know a man from church. He was significantly older, a theme I’ve found throughout dating. It seems men only want to date much younger women. The man bagged groceries at the supermarket. He was illiterate. He came to the church office for help. I wrote addresses on his envelopes for mailing. He asked me out. I decided to set at least a minimum standard for dating: the men had to be literate.
I joined a Catholic singles Bible study in a large affluent church. I assumed the potential would be greater in that environment. Wrong. I met another older gentleman there. He offered, unsolicited, the following information: He lives in a small rural community on several acres. He mows his grass in a loincloth. He does not believe in banks and has no checking account. He doesn’t use natural gas and rarely uses electricity. He cuts his own firewood and kills or grows his own food. He also states, without prompting, because no one would ask such a thing, he doesn’t use toilet paper; he uses cornhusks. I have sensitive skin and only use premium TP brands. He invited me to his farm for a home-caught and cooked meal. I kindly declined and decided I need a new dating standard: the men must be literate and must use toilet paper.
The first time I met another semi-attractive man, he described in detail how he stole motorcycles. He was apparently good at stealing, because he’d never been caught. He told me at the end of our casual dinner I was “cute enough” to call again. OK, so I needed a new, new standard: the men must be literate, must use toilet paper, and must be law abiding.
Not too long after that, I met another diamond in the rough. This man spent over an hour describing his LSD trips. How he thought he was flying, how he nearly jumped out a window, and how he thought his hand was on fire. This news may surprise you, but I didn’t ask how to steal motorcycles or what acid-induced hallucinations were like. Yet similar to the thief above, the druggie chose to reveal this information the first time we met. Those were their put-your-best-foot-forward topics of conversation. Can you imagine what they could be hiding? Time to set a new, new, new standard: no illiterates, no TP substitutes, no grand larceny, and no illegal drug use.
I briefly tried an online Christian dating service. A man from India began e-mailing me. Logistics aside, he stated he was a Catholic priest. Obviously he was not too knowledgeable about Catholicism, because he didn’t realize priests took vows of celibacy. Time for a new, new, new, new standard: no illiteracy, no cornhusks, no outstanding warrants, no illegal drug use, and no broken vows, real or fabricated. Although I’m no longer Scarlet NoHaira, I’m still single. I know it’s because I’m way too picky.
I originally thought I would not encumber my dating experience by setting unrealistic standards. I would give everyone a chance. Shortly after, I got to know a man from church. He was significantly older, a theme I’ve found throughout dating. It seems men only want to date much younger women. The man bagged groceries at the supermarket. He was illiterate. He came to the church office for help. I wrote addresses on his envelopes for mailing. He asked me out. I decided to set at least a minimum standard for dating: the men had to be literate.
I joined a Catholic singles Bible study in a large affluent church. I assumed the potential would be greater in that environment. Wrong. I met another older gentleman there. He offered, unsolicited, the following information: He lives in a small rural community on several acres. He mows his grass in a loincloth. He does not believe in banks and has no checking account. He doesn’t use natural gas and rarely uses electricity. He cuts his own firewood and kills or grows his own food. He also states, without prompting, because no one would ask such a thing, he doesn’t use toilet paper; he uses cornhusks. I have sensitive skin and only use premium TP brands. He invited me to his farm for a home-caught and cooked meal. I kindly declined and decided I need a new dating standard: the men must be literate and must use toilet paper.
The first time I met another semi-attractive man, he described in detail how he stole motorcycles. He was apparently good at stealing, because he’d never been caught. He told me at the end of our casual dinner I was “cute enough” to call again. OK, so I needed a new, new standard: the men must be literate, must use toilet paper, and must be law abiding.
Not too long after that, I met another diamond in the rough. This man spent over an hour describing his LSD trips. How he thought he was flying, how he nearly jumped out a window, and how he thought his hand was on fire. This news may surprise you, but I didn’t ask how to steal motorcycles or what acid-induced hallucinations were like. Yet similar to the thief above, the druggie chose to reveal this information the first time we met. Those were their put-your-best-foot-forward topics of conversation. Can you imagine what they could be hiding? Time to set a new, new, new standard: no illiterates, no TP substitutes, no grand larceny, and no illegal drug use.
I briefly tried an online Christian dating service. A man from India began e-mailing me. Logistics aside, he stated he was a Catholic priest. Obviously he was not too knowledgeable about Catholicism, because he didn’t realize priests took vows of celibacy. Time for a new, new, new, new standard: no illiteracy, no cornhusks, no outstanding warrants, no illegal drug use, and no broken vows, real or fabricated. Although I’m no longer Scarlet NoHaira, I’m still single. I know it’s because I’m way too picky.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Mlking the Joy in Life
We all want to milk the joy out of life. Imagine your mind as a glass of milk. Every second of your life adds another drop to the glass. There are three colors of experiences and thoughts that can be added to the glass.
Neutral or white thoughts; those are the normal everyday actions that aren’t charged with negative or positive emotions. This is what makes up large chunks of our lives.
Red thoughts are wonderful, positive, cheerful or happy thoughts. If we have mostly neutral or white thoughts mixed with red ones, we will go through life with rose colored glasses.
Blue thoughts are negative, sick, angry, destructive or unhappy ones. When we experience these thoughts or actions, we feel blue. Negative or blue moments add stress and pain to our lives.
All of our glasses of milk start out as shades of white. Then each new experience and thought adds a drop of white, red or blue to the glass. White for neutral experiences, red for positive ones and blue for negative ones. It doesn’t take too many red thoughts and experiences to turn our white milk pink. That’s why most children run around with rose-colored glasses. One tiny drop of red, like an empty box to play with, colors the day pink.
We all have red and blue EXPERIENCES; those drops of life we often can’t control and do color our outlook. However, our THOUGHTS add equally to the milk and we can control those. Remember every second puts another drop into the glass. Let’s say we get cut off in traffic. That experience takes 10 seconds so it only adds a tiny bit of blue into the glass. Now let’s say you rant on and on about the jerk who cut you off. You yell and scream at them and are angry all the way home. Then tell your friend about it on the phone. It takes an hour before you forget about the traffic incident. You have taken what lasted 10 seconds or added 10 drops of blue and turned that into 360 blue drops, number of seconds in an hour. You could have had 10 drops of blue and 350 drops of white or neutral experiences. You could have had a pale blue hour that would easily be tinted by the white and red from the rest of the day to keep you in a dusty rose mood. Instead you have dark blue that is more difficult to tint rose coloed. Remember only 10 of the 360 drops in your glass were out of your control. Take control of those 350 moments and you’ll be a much happier individual.
I've been through a divorce, cancer, going back to school, single parenting, financial insecurity and many other challenges. There were tons of moments that were out of my control, but over and over I’m amazed at how much I let them cloud the parts of the day I did and do have control over. Worry, fear, reflecting back about what others did or didn’t do, these are all nonproductive and pour tons of blue into our life's glass. The more you think about any issue, focus on it, and talk about it with others, the more blue you are adding to your glass. And the more blue you add to your glass, the less rose-colored your outlook will be.
No matter what is happening in your life, pick up the red dye and squeeze it in the glass. You can add red by counting your blessings, laughing with people, focusing on happy memories, dreaming about a wonderful future, anything that makes you feel good. Think about the good things that happened today, yesterday, last week and will be happening in the future. Practice taking control of your thoughts and you can increase your joy.
Get a large glass container, milk and some red and blue dye. Spend a few days adding milk for neutral experiences and thoughts, red for positive ones and blue for negative ones. See how much more rose colored your glass is when you don't dwell on the negatives and focus on the positives.
Neutral or white thoughts; those are the normal everyday actions that aren’t charged with negative or positive emotions. This is what makes up large chunks of our lives.
Red thoughts are wonderful, positive, cheerful or happy thoughts. If we have mostly neutral or white thoughts mixed with red ones, we will go through life with rose colored glasses.
Blue thoughts are negative, sick, angry, destructive or unhappy ones. When we experience these thoughts or actions, we feel blue. Negative or blue moments add stress and pain to our lives.
All of our glasses of milk start out as shades of white. Then each new experience and thought adds a drop of white, red or blue to the glass. White for neutral experiences, red for positive ones and blue for negative ones. It doesn’t take too many red thoughts and experiences to turn our white milk pink. That’s why most children run around with rose-colored glasses. One tiny drop of red, like an empty box to play with, colors the day pink.
We all have red and blue EXPERIENCES; those drops of life we often can’t control and do color our outlook. However, our THOUGHTS add equally to the milk and we can control those. Remember every second puts another drop into the glass. Let’s say we get cut off in traffic. That experience takes 10 seconds so it only adds a tiny bit of blue into the glass. Now let’s say you rant on and on about the jerk who cut you off. You yell and scream at them and are angry all the way home. Then tell your friend about it on the phone. It takes an hour before you forget about the traffic incident. You have taken what lasted 10 seconds or added 10 drops of blue and turned that into 360 blue drops, number of seconds in an hour. You could have had 10 drops of blue and 350 drops of white or neutral experiences. You could have had a pale blue hour that would easily be tinted by the white and red from the rest of the day to keep you in a dusty rose mood. Instead you have dark blue that is more difficult to tint rose coloed. Remember only 10 of the 360 drops in your glass were out of your control. Take control of those 350 moments and you’ll be a much happier individual.
I've been through a divorce, cancer, going back to school, single parenting, financial insecurity and many other challenges. There were tons of moments that were out of my control, but over and over I’m amazed at how much I let them cloud the parts of the day I did and do have control over. Worry, fear, reflecting back about what others did or didn’t do, these are all nonproductive and pour tons of blue into our life's glass. The more you think about any issue, focus on it, and talk about it with others, the more blue you are adding to your glass. And the more blue you add to your glass, the less rose-colored your outlook will be.
No matter what is happening in your life, pick up the red dye and squeeze it in the glass. You can add red by counting your blessings, laughing with people, focusing on happy memories, dreaming about a wonderful future, anything that makes you feel good. Think about the good things that happened today, yesterday, last week and will be happening in the future. Practice taking control of your thoughts and you can increase your joy.
Get a large glass container, milk and some red and blue dye. Spend a few days adding milk for neutral experiences and thoughts, red for positive ones and blue for negative ones. See how much more rose colored your glass is when you don't dwell on the negatives and focus on the positives.
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